I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
