You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
did i just pee glitter
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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