Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
