Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
