So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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