2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
