i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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