My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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