i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
