i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
