I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
