The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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