I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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