My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
