My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
