I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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