She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
