GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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