I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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