VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
