Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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