I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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