Cold hands, warm shart.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My pussy is not your playground.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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