Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
