I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
