shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
