On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
