I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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