New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
