your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Randomize
