I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
