I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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