i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize