Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
