i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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