i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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