I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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