I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
from now on my penis is your penis
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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