Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
