You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
