i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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