You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
