____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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