I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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