Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
