Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
