Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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