I got chris browned last night
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
