So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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