we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
