My cat gives me a boner
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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