my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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