I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
