I could make wine with my vomit
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
