I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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