guys are not supposed to queef...right?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
