A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
