i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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