it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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