Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
