i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
