Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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