3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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