You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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