You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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